@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
