I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
