11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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