when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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