if you like me you must not know who I am
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
