Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
