I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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