she told me i tasted like america
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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