I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
