she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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