i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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