Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
