I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
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