I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Girls should come with a carfax report
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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