I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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