don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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