she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
