I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
