Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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