So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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