Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize