Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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