we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
