Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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