my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
