Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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