Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
