i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
