I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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