I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
