my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
