I think im going to throw up on grandma
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
