Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
