he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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