please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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