I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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