I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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