I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
