im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
