I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
