so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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