This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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