we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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