so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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