Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
