I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize