i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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