I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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