Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
