The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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