Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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