It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize