What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I need to calm my uterus...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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