I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
