im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
