I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
