Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
